BON VOYAGE

If your sentences begin with OMG, WTF or TTS... You may have been in this town for too long....


Okay so I appreciated people caring about their health and know that California is one of the few states in the US that isn't riddled with obesity, however, this calorie counting obsession makes me want to smash my head against a wall.

If one more skinny bitch asks me for her dressing on the side I may have to strangle her.

The funny part of this sick obsession is that people really have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Its definitely not about HEALTH concerns.. no, its about weight. I mean ordering your coffee with non fat milk and splenda may keep you skinny but your insides wont be looking so fabulous soon dear.

So I'm serving three Valley girls and their salads with dressing on the side and they all order a coffee with it, not just any coffee of course but 3 decaf, non fat, vanilla lattes. Non-fat? Ha! Non fat my arse. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN THOSE LATTES????!!!

Being a striving actress myself I do understand the pressure in Hollywood to be thin and look good, I get it. But I cannot seem to get over how sad is it that talent and hard work have literally NOTHING to do with making it as an actor in this town. Hollywood is obsessed with looks. My friend is 5"4 and about 95 lbs and was just told by her agent, to lose weight. WHAT?! This has in turn, spun her into a spiral of dieting, cocaine abuse and bulimia. It's sick.. literally. I mean Lindsay Lohan? Everyone should leave that poor mess of a girl alone, I'm not in the least bit surprised she turned out the way she did.

As if the acting industry isn't hard enough to break into, we are now having to obsess about everything we eat, how many times we go to the gym, how big our boobs are and how we can fight the aging process. If we don't do this there are other delightful options of course...

1.Go down on your knees and suck the cocks of Hollywood agents, directors, producers or pretty much anyone that has any power.
2. Have sex with a celeb, film it and put the tape online.
3. Become Michael Bay's new "girlfriend".

No thank you. Id rather scrub toilets. Which sadly enough, at this rate, I may end up doing.

I mean take me for example; I'm British, in my twenties and consider myself to be; educated, worldly,hard working, decent looking. I've studied my butt off in London, New York and LA. I have read all the great plays, seen all the great films, had wonderful teachers, have mastered characters and accents, am told by all my teachers I have talent and should be working (well, they are trying to make money after all so do we trust them?!)... and yet here I am blogging about waiting fucking tables. Now don't get me wrong, there are a million of us out there, it's the ongoing joke in Hollywood when you say you are an actress and the response is, "Yeah, what restaurant do you work at?" It's part of the struggle, i get it. However, after 4 years here and day in and day out of miserable waitressing, a string of nightmare agents and zero auditions. I am thoroughly exhausted. Not to mention, I don't appear to be getting any younger!

So I decided to take much needed time out from bubble town before I literally get fired and go to jail for murdering a customer. I realize, as my blogs have become angrier and angrier that for my own safety and all those around me I need a fucking break!!!

It is because of this that I now find myself on a jet plane heading for a 3 week vacation back home. Back to glorious rainy Britain....
Britain, the land where no one gives a shit what you look like.. how fake your boobs are or how many calories are in that salad dressing. Britain, where it's grey and gloomy.. where people snarl at you in the street. Britain, where crazed pigeons fly at your face, everything is a rip off and people are constantly pissed off... These are the reasons I left that country in the first place, but you know what?.. I couldn't be more excited to get back there!

BRING IT ON...

I will be back to my charming waitress self in a few weeks, with no doubt more stories to share.

Bye for now.... cereal waitress xoxo

Brunch with a side of sweat blood and tears

Between the jukebox's heavy metal music like nails in my head, the screeching children, the 90 yr old deaf woman screaming at me, the angry chef, the hormonal waitresses and everything else that went on today all I want to say is this....

"Good Morning... May I offer you some of my blood with that burger?!"...

Its quite amazing how many ridiculous things can be happening simultaneously and all in the space of an hour. Today was one of those days when everyone who walked through the door must have either gotten out on the wrong side of bed this morning or done way too many drugs last night. Or both.
I arrived at work at 9 am after a good night's sleep and actually feeling rather chirpy for a Sunday morning... however, two hours later, after an onslaught of restaurant rape I stood still in disbelief and took a look around at my section, here is what I observed at that particular moment......

Table 1: "Funny Guy" - This is the man who feels the need to turn absolutely everything into a joke, and not good ones. I spend an extra 10 minutes on this guy's order as I have to decipher what he wants from what he's making jokes about. I thought I'd give some back to him when he asked me if our Jalapenos were fresh.. I said "No sir, they are full of mold but really quite tasty." Luckily he found this amusing but then decided to take this joke way too far and went off on a whole rant about moldy Jalapenos for the next 6 minutes. All I could think was, "Oh Jesus, why didn't I keep my stupid mouth shut!" Anyway after wasting ten minutes of my life talking about Jalapenos I finally managed to walk away only to be called over again by him several minutes later with this comment.. "Can I have a napkin, I think I ate mine." Wow. Don't quit your day job.

Table 2: "Aloof Guy" - I have to wonder why this guy even goes to a restaurant.. He comes in regularly, sits at a table, doesn't make eye contact, mumbles if and when he talks and really doesn't want to be bothered by the servers. WHY THE F**K ARE YOU HERE THEN?????
I go to greet him and take his order and he totally ignores me, I stand there like a moron for a few more seconds eagerly waiting a response until I cant take it anymore and I simply huff and walk away. WANKER. After making him now wait ten minutes I reluctantly wander back to his table and ask him if he'd like tea or coffee at which he finally looks up at me. The expression on his face reads utter horror and panic and almost shouting he says "I er, I err, don't know yet!" Dude relax, Im offering you a caffeinated beverage not threatening your life.

Table 3: "Get a room Couple" - Im not one to knock physical contact or a public display of affection from time to time but Holy Mother of God these two people took PDA to a whole new level. Not only did they have their tongues wrapped around each others tonsils for a solid 20 minutes but the girl had no bra on and the most see through shirt I've ever seen. Just a tad inappropriate for a Sunday morning with a diner full of children, not to mention anyone with eyes.
I waited as long as I could before having to "interrupt" them and went over to take their order, their faces still lip locked I stood there and coughed to get their attention but still nothing, so now I feel like some kind of pervert standing there in an awkward threesome. Thanks guys. Real cool. FOR GOD SAKE GET A ROOM!

Table 4: "Stressed out parents" - The couple at this table are clearly not having a good morning, the woman's eye balls are virtually popping out of her head as she manically tries to settle her kids down into their respective high chairs, her husband seems to be paying no attention and hides behind his menu (cant really blame the poor bastard). Then, when all are calm and seated she summons me over and orders a triple shot latte... "are you sure thats a good idea Maam, you already seem to be jacked up on speed as it is." Of course I don't say this out loud for fear she may hit me.
After taking their drink order I go back to the computer and see her doing something I have witnessed many parents doing that drives me mad..... She gives the sugar bowl to her devil child as if its lego blocks. "Here, play with this."
Look its not my fault you choose to take your kids out in public to eat and cant be bothered to amuse them or actually talk to them. What you probably don't realizes is that I... yes I, am going to have to pick up the mess you are about to make and have already spent my morning carefully organizing those damn sugar bowls which your child has now thrown all over the table. Yes muggins here will be re-organising that bloody thing once again now. Thanking you kindly for that!


Table 5: "Crazy Homeless Guy"- Directly behind me is a homeless guy who comes in with a giant plastic bag of crap, sits down, holds his menu upside down while rambling to himself about God knows what. He orders a coffee from me and then mutters some inaudible nonsense under his breath. As I return with his drink he pulls out a donut covered in peanut butter from his bag and starts munching on it. He takes breaks to continue reading the menu (or at least pretending to) and I assume he's not going to order anything else so I don't go back. After about 15 minutes he shouts at me "Hey! I haven't eaten all day can I order?" At which point Im thinking... er didn't you just eat a bagel? But I say "Of course, Im sorry, what can I get for you"? To which he responds "I have to get going or I'll be late for my meeting." Ok crazy man whatever you say.


So thats just a sneak look at the world around me in that brief moment in time. All in a day's work... Actually all in just an hour's work.

LATE NIGHTS AT HELL'S KITCHEN

So luckily for me I have served enough time at my job that I no longer have to work the late night shifts anymore. However, I suffered that torture for a good six months and every so often these days..(if Im literally so broke I cant eat) I will pick up a late night shift. Now I know I've said before that this diner tends to attract the odd balls and several crazies but nothing compares to what we see past midnight...This is when it truly becomes...Hell's Kitchen.

Because Diner X is open to the wee small hours of the morning, it attracts many drunk people who show up after their night of clubbing for a greasy burger before returning home and passing out. These people can truly be so much fun! (that is, if you happen to be partying with them) If however, you happen to be a cranky, sober, exhausted waitress having to deal with them... then oh boy... God help you.

One example of drunken messes is this one... I had a group of 20 somethings come in and sit down at my biggest table, they came in a few at a time and didn't want to wait for their friends to arrive so proceeded to give their orders one by one (drunk people have no patience and need food immediately, which, OK I can relate to) they all are shouting over each other "I wanna pancake", "I need more water", "where's the mustard?" AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, one at a time please! I'm not fucking wonder woman!

On average I tend go to bed around 11 pm so when I have to stay up working until 4 am my brain just FREAKS OUT and tends not to be so good at multi tasking. Or handling anything at all really.
One thing that happens when you are drunk is you literally inhale your food. I put down a plate, go check on another table and turn around to find that person following me around the restaurant slurring for his check. "Dude, I JUST put your food down, what in the hell?!" So this giant table of screaming lunatics now all want to leave separately and pay separately, not so fun trying to split a 15 person check while serving about 20 other tables and running food all at the same time. Anyway, I go to the register to start splitting checks and I see out the corner of my eye one of the customers on that table throwing all the sugars on the floor and pouring ketchup ALL OVER THE TABLE while saying "You wanna tip, here's your fucking tip". He then proceeds to pick up a salt shaker and throws it at me, hitting me in the elbow. Now grouchy, cranky, sleepy waitress doesn't like this... All I see at that point in red. RED. I don't remember having any thoughts of trying to save my job, I think I thought it was worth risking just to give this little prick a piece of my mind. I fly across the restaurant ready to give this fool what he deserved and what happens?... I slip on on of the sugar packets and fall to my knees. Once I land on the floor I lose all sense of empowerment and will to tell this guy anything, I'm now at breaking point and all I can think is "God, kill me now, just let this floor open up and let me fall through it." So now, I'm fighting back the tears, (Look, I'm not a total pussy but combine lack of sleep, stress, abusive customers and now sore knees and you what do you get?... tears, simple). So I pick myself up and pretend I'm fine to the few people who actually bother to ask and I run to the toilet. It's in there that I now burst into total hysterics, totally uncalled for but I am a woman after all, and can only handle so much at 3 am. By the time I've wiped my tears and calmed down I return to the table and hand them their checks, saying nothing, just giving the prick a look of disgust. This probably worked out better then me flying off the handle as his friends felt so bad they dragged him out themselves and left me a big tip as an apology. Well by that point I've lost all will to live but hey I have an extra $40 in my pocket so I guess that's something right?.....

Children... Or as i like to call them.. Arseholes in the making

Either kids now days are reading US Weekly and over dosing on Entertainment Tonight at far too young an age or I have to blame the parents....

I took an order from an 8 year old that went something like this...
"I wanna burger; medium rare with no bun, extra lettuce and a side of steamed broccoli and I want parmesan on the side. Not the powdery one, the shaved one." As my jaw drops to the floor I only have on thought....Scary. Really scary.

This got me thinking about how times have changed since I was a kid. When I was 8 and my parents took me to a restaurant Id pretty much eat what I was given or if anything Id ask for cheese on toast, there's no way Id think to order something medium rare, that's crazy! This then got me comparing England to California.... You just cannot go into a restaurant in London and change the whole menu like you can here. Try it.. Ask a British waiter if you can have your salad chopped, tossed, dressing on side and substitute the romaine for spinach. He will most likely tell you to Piss Off and laugh in your face.

One thing I've discovered about myself is that I really have no idea how to communicate with children. I know that some kids grow up fast but they are still children and need to be spoken to as such. This is when I become socially inept... I literally talk to them as if they are adults.

Example...One child of about 6 years old says, "I wanna burger" to which I stupidly respond, "How would you like that cooked?" To which I get zero response, and his parents look at me as if I'm insane.
Being British I have a filthy mouth on me (as if you hadn't noticed) and I often forget to censor myself around children. I've noticed parents scowl at me like I'm the Anti Christ when I've been loudly talking to one of my co workers about some "Fucking Bitch" at table 107. Oops, sorry.

I really do feel like a total outsider at work when it comes to kids. l feel like all the other waitresses are in on a secret I know nothing about. Whenever a baby or toddler comes in they seem to coo over them in a ridiculous fashion..."Awww look how cute he is." and "Oh my God did you see that baby? Soooo adorable." Am I missing something? Because all I see is a screaming, crying little bastard that's probably keeping it's parents up all night and ruining their sex life.
Of course this makes me feel like a total Arsehole so I find myself lying to fit in.. "Oh yeah...he's so sweet, can't wait to have one myself one day." NAAAHT!

Waitressing + Germaphobe = NIGHTMARE

Last night I served a male couple, as they sat down they asked me to wipe off the table (which was clean FYI) so I grab a cloth and wipe it down. As I walk away I see each of them take out a small bottle of hand sanitizer and pour it on the table and over the silverware, then dry it up with napkins. They catch my eye and see I've been watching and say, "Sorry we're OCD". Now, I'm not judging, I can actually relate to this but what was funny is that when the drinks arrived they didn't use their straws, they put their lips around the glasses... Well folks, Im pretty sure the table was cleaner than those glasses are! I mean I certainly wouldn't drink from them. Busy diner, quick turnaround and only one little man in the back washing dishes... you do the math! So Im sorry boys, you're clearly not as OCD as you think.....

This brings me to the point of my story today... I haven't previously mentioned this but I have major OCD. Im a serious Germaphobe and working in a diner makes this a real nightmare. Not only do I have to wash my hands a thousand times a day but I cannot stop sanitizing the computer screens and all my pens several times during a shift. I usually keep this to myself as one time my boss caught me "cloroxing" the telephone and never let me live it down.

So, remember when the swine flu hit the city? Imagine my reaction to that. Panic, panic, panic. Anytime someone coughed or sneezed at a table I was convinced they had swine flu and I was going to die. I had this one man come in and sit in my section, he was sneezing and coughing like mad and ordered a hot water with honey so I knew it was NOT allergies. I tried to take his order as far away from the table without looking to weird, all the while pretty much holding my breath. He then proceeded to ask me if he could borrow a pen for a minute. "Oh God. Why my bloody pen?" i thought. So I begrudgedly hand it over to him and say, "Just keep it, I have a tons of them", (total lie, in fact I was short on pens that day but there was no f'ing way I was gonna put that thing back in my pocket).

Firstly I think its only common decency to stay the f**k at home, preferably incubated if you're sick. Don't bring your germy ass into a public place so all the patrons and staff can catch it too, you selfish bastards. Secondly why is it that people still try and shake your hand? I mean it just doesn't seem necessary to me in this day and age and meeting hundreds of people on a daily basis means Im obliged to shake a few hands.WHY??????!!!

Awkward Bumbling Waitress

So now that i have insulted quite a few people I think its only fair to turn the tables on myself for this particular post. I have had several embarrassing/humiliating things happen to me while working. Here are just a few of my not so glorious moments....

1. Dropping money all over the floor and having to scrabble around on my hands and knees picking up dollar notes like a cheap stripper, while may I add, wearing the most revealing short skirt known to man, (not my personal choice,..uniform requirement) go figure!

2. Slipping on butter and flying across the floor where I landed smack on my face, ass in the air, skirt over my head. Best part of this catastrophe was that, (according to my boss) the 2 people i landed next to stopped eating, watched me fall and then carried on eating without even so much of a flinch or attempt to help! Seriously?

3. When clearing a table I dropped a pancake dripping in syrup on the floor and was trying to pick it up with a fork but pieces kept falling off, all the while I'm bent over in short skirt, totally blocking every one's way, now sweating and fumbling hopelessly while bus boys and people rushed past me. Could only think one thing at this point.... "fuck my life".

I tend to make a jack ass of myself pretty often at work, sometimes it's when i find a customer attractive and turn into stuttering, bumbling waitress chick. I end up feeling super awkward and therefore looking super awkward and asking the same questions twice like "can I get you a dessert?" and "so not dessert for you then?" and then lingering just a bit too long at the table before mumbling some crap under my breath and awkwardly shuffling away.

Sometime it's just awkward in general and in the following incident I don't think I was the one to blame...
So I approach a couple at a table, I stand in front of them with my pad out and say, "Hi" Now waiting for a response and when i get none (after what feels like an eternity of silence) the guy finally says, "Are you saying hi because you're going to be our waitress?" Errr... Well yeah dum dum why the fuck else would i be standing here holding a pad like this? (Of course those are the words in my head) when what comes out is.. "That's the general idea", I say, in a somewhat sarcastic tone and he proceeds to give me his order. As I walk away he turns to his girlfriend and says, "That was weird".
A. I can still hear you! and B. Yeah no shit it was weird.. what the hell just happened????

The Porn King

So one of our regulars happens to be one of the biggest Porn Producers in Los Angeles, he is one of my least favorite customers for a number of reasons...

1. He creeps me out
2. He usually has an onslaught of creepy girls or should i say "actresses" with him, most of which are Eastern European and cant speak English.
3. He creeps me out
4. He places the most complicated overly fussy orders known to man
5. Did i mention HE CREEPS ME OUT?!

So here is an example of the insanity of this man. I'm still trying to figure out if its a power trip thing or if he is just insanely picky. I'm leaning towards the first...

So on our menu we have a Jerk Chicken Caesar salad. Its basically a Caesar with Jamaican Jerk sauce marinated chicken in it. Here is his order...

"I want the salad chopped and tossed with extra Parmesan,no croutons, i want the chicken on a separate plate with extra jerk sauce not touching the chicken, i want it on a different plate. I also want a side of onion rings with wasabi mayo but i want the mayo in a monkey dish and i want a separate dish of just wasabi powder".

For Christ's sake dude would u like me to bring you an apron and show you where the kitchen is so you can make it yourself?! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
The best part is watching him mixing it all together and basically ending up with the same bloody salad that was originally on the menu!
I mean look, LA is infamous for people substituting every single thing on the menu but this man takes it to a whole other level! At the end of the day its a diner and its fast paced, by the time I've taken this insane order I'm now backed up 5 tables with angry people waiting for me.
Thanks PornLord.

Nutrition knowledge..or rather lack of it..

Okay so I know that not all of us are blessed with knowledge of nutrition and health or even a brain for that matter but common sense is common sense people....

Firstly the Diner I work at isn't a Denny's or anything like that, it is very much geared towards the healthier LA lifestyle and so there are a lot of vegan and healthy options on our menu.

Today I served a family of three. The kid must have been no older than eight and the first thing they ordered were three oh yes three coffees, one for each of them . Now I don't know about you but I think kids are already overly hyper and out of control enough on their own without giving the little buggers caffine on top of it. I mean why oh why would you let your child drink coffee?! Thanks to your genius parenting this poor child is now going to be a coffee slave his whole life.
So i give them some time to look at the menu and it seems the woman knows what she wants and even though her husband clearly isn't ready she calls me over in my favorite derogatory way by signally to me across the room by clicking her fingers. I stroll over in my SLOWEST walk possible and get my pad out ready... She orders for herself and her now incredibly annoying cracked out kid and then crosses her arms and glares at her husband with an underlying tone that read something like.. "pick something now or i will cut your fucking head off". Clearly they'd been married a while.
So as the guy felt the eyes of his wife stabbing through his soul he looks up at me and says "what would be better for me to eat... the beef patty melt with fries or the house salad?" "Well", i said..trying not to come across as rude "that depends on what you mean by better for you to eat?" did he mean taste? health? what?... "Im trying to watch my girlish figure" he says with a "Im so funny and cute" look on his face. "Well, i say, in that case, I think Id go for the salad".
Dumb-ass! What the hell do you think? Its not that hard... A plate of leaves or a greasy cheese covered piece of cow in between 2 slices of bread with a side of deep fried potatoes? I don't know genius.. you wanna lose weight?.. Pick the fucking salad!

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for helping people and advising them when needed, i actually enjoy it but some people really do deserve to be unhealthy and fat the way they live. An example....At my next table there are three people in their early 20's, two of them are in decent shape and the other one is clearly obese. The first two order the tuna salad, green tea and a soup and the other one orders as follows; A bacon cheese-burger with fries, a side of blue cheese dressing and the mac and cheese with.... wait for it... A FUCKING DIET COKE! Now what i ask is the bloody point of that? I felt like offering him a side of treadmill with his meal, Jesus. It's like those people who order milkshakes without the whipped cream, like thats going to make all the difference to their calorie intake. "Yes Sir, i will make sure that the 1500 calorie drink you're about to consume does not have that sugary air foam on top of it". Are you serious?...

Sunday is doggie day

So Sundays are the days that I work the outside section at Diner X. This means I get to serve smokers and people with dogs. Now I love dogs I really do but LA takes owning a dog to a whole other level..

My first table is a couple and their little Maltese terrier, (who may I add is wearing a friggin' tiara by the way) the lady orders for her and her boyfriend and asks me for a small salad and a side of bean-sprouts...for her dog.
I couldn't help but ask... "wow she eats that? really?"
"oh yes" the lady replies, "Tiffany is gluten free and eats a raw vegan diet". RIGHT. OK. I'M SURE SHE IS... Need I say more?

The second table is another young couple who look like they've just rolled out of bed, skipped the shower and dragged their asses straight to the diner, with their very ugly, slobbering bulldog who's wearing a doggie t shirt that says "I love bitches" on it. Its a table for two they have and as they both smoke and blow it directly at me they ask for an extra chair, I assume they have a friend joining so I bring them a chair and an extra menu, "thanks but we don't need the menu, its actually for our dog". RIGHT. OK. here we go....
They weren't kidding, they ordered 3 of the same breakfasts; eggs, pancakes and bacon. Oh boy, this I have to see... So when the food arrives I go to check on the table and sure enough, the bulldog is sitting in the chair with a napkin tied around its neck and eating off the plate. Real hygienic people. I can only imagine what their dinner table at home looks like.

So I'm now surrounded by half the dogs in LA filling up most of my section, the other side is taken up with very moody, hungover teenagers all chain smoking in my face and drinking liquids like its the Sahara desert. One of my duties here is re-filling beverages and this truly drives me insane. Not only is it hot out here but I'm running my ass off grabbing empty glasses off table and running inside to re fill them... EVERY 10 SECONDS and literally sweating balls.
People have a really annoying habit of asking me to refill their water and coffee, which I do, I grab the glass go refill it, run back outside, bringing with me the coffee pot to refill their cups and as I've finished they say 'can I get some extra milk please" or "do you have any honey?" to which I force a very fake smile and say "sure no problem" and as I turn I mutter inaudibly under my breath "couldn't you have asked me that the first bloody time to save me going back and forth like a fucking yo-yo while 6 other table are waiting for my attention. Dammit!

Doggie day was about to come to an end as the lunch rush slowly died down, I walked over to serve an older couple who had two dogs laying next to their table. The first thing they asked me was for water for the dogs, as I brought them the water I asked "are they friendly?" "Oh yes very" says the woman and I offer the back of my hand to the dogs to smell, now I don't know if I smelt like bacon or a burger at that point, which quite frankly was highly possible but the German Shepard decided I was going to be his lunch and grabbed my hand and bit down while making the most frighteningly aggressive sounds I've ever heard. After that everything kinda went black, the shock of it and the fact that the entire outside section was hearing this commotion and all staring at me made me blank out for a second. Eventually the owner got the wretched beast off of me and said "oops, sorry, he's never done that before"... "Cool, I said, good to know!" and then I rushed inside to disinfect the small tooth hole marks in my swollen hand. I then got to spend the rest of my shift with my right hand wrapped in alcohol and bandages with people all telling me I was gonna get tetanus and die if I didn't get a vaccine. Today had already been a bad enough day that the last thing I was about to do was go to the doctor and have him stab me with a giant needle and then charge me $100 for it. "I'll live".

Do Germans ever smile?

Its Saturday and the morning starts with me opening the place at 6am.
It's 630 now, the coffee pots are boiling, ready for the caffeine junkies to pile in and the doors are now open. In walks (we'll call him) JACK, my first customer of the day and a serious regular, he has been coming in every morning without fail for at least 3 years.
Here's the thing about Jack.. he is homeless and lives on the streets, he has worn the same hole ridden sweater for God only knows how long and eats the exact same thing for breakfast day in and day out. His order is as follows; bagel with cream cheese, coffee and a bowl of oatmeal that he proceeds to cover in ketchup... mmm, yummy.

Here's what I know about Jack...he is an Aquarius, has never left the states, is in his 60's, has only a few teeth remaining in his mouth and therefore is not the easiest person to understand. The first time we met it took me at least 20 minutes to figure out his order and that in itself was super awkward as he does not like to repeat himself, the more he has to, the more frustrated he gets and the louder he shouts, so here's me 2 years ago being shouted at by a barely audible toothless homeless man who I'm desperately trying to comprehend. 2 years later, here I am entering his order into the computer without the need to ask, thank God.

So now the place is starting to fill up and I don't know why but it seemed every other person who walked in was German. Now Ive lived in many countries but in all my travels Ive managed to avoid Germany completely and now I remember why. I hate the bloody Germans. I mean OK, hate is rather a harsh word and I'm not wanting to generalize an entire country but from the experience Ive had with them its hard not to!
Firstly do they ever smile? All day long I served German tourists, not only do they not smile but they manage to avoid making eye contact completely as they are ordering, and then they leave without tipping, truly charming people. In fact the best ones today were these two German teenagers that came in with a plastic cup full of coins, order two hot chocolates to go and paid me the full $9.00 in change, counting out each nickel and dime at a glacial pace. So now I got to spend the rest of my shift with my change purse weighed down which in turn caused my apron to keep falling off. Thanks boys.

Who am i and what is this blog about anyway?

So...This is a blog about people, well....strangers....customers and the regulars who, at my job, I meet and serve on a daily basis.
Im a Brit, moved over here from London, among many others came to Hollywood to follow my dreams of becoming an actress. Two years later here I am... working in Hollywood......Hurrah!
Well, not quite..., here I am, yes, working......as a waitress. Spending the majority of my days between serving at the diner and banging my head against the wall.
The one thing I have to say about this menial servant job is that I get to meet people from all walks of life. At the trendy diner I work at ,which will remain anonymous for now, I come across everyone from the picky celebs to the homeless guy who puts ketchup in his oatmeal. One thought goes through my mind each day, usually as I'm taking an order, and that thought is... "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

If you have ever served the *insert whiney Californian accent here* "Decaf, extra shot, non-fat, no foam latte" bitches or if you have encountered the many of them here in this bizarre city then perhaps my stories will amuse you. Each day I am stunned by the requests, attitudes and lifestyles of the people I encounter that I feel compelled to share these situations with those who are interested. Plus it's my own personal therapy and the only thing currently keeping me on the brink of sanity.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not some negative and bitter waitress bitching about my patrons..well I may seem that way to you, but that isn't the idea. LA is, or rather pretends to be, the land of "positive thinking" *cough* but I am here to thrash that and devote this blog to pure negativity and welcome all those who wish to vent. We can't all be saints, no matter how hard we may try to be!
That being said, the people I deal with only enhance my life experience and I am grateful for them to have given me such funny, bizarre and sad things to write about.
Thank you kindly. You fucking assholes.