Friday, July 30, 2010

Awkward Bumbling Waitress

So now that i have insulted quite a few people I think its only fair to turn the tables on myself for this particular post. I have had several embarrassing/humiliating things happen to me while working. Here are just a few of my not so glorious moments....

1. Dropping money all over the floor and having to scrabble around on my hands and knees picking up dollar notes like a cheap stripper, while may I add, wearing the most revealing short skirt known to man, (not my personal choice,..uniform requirement) go figure!

2. Slipping on butter and flying across the floor where I landed smack on my face, ass in the air, skirt over my head. Best part of this catastrophe was that, (according to my boss) the 2 people i landed next to stopped eating, watched me fall and then carried on eating without even so much of a flinch or attempt to help! Seriously?

3. When clearing a table I dropped a pancake dripping in syrup on the floor and was trying to pick it up with a fork but pieces kept falling off, all the while I'm bent over in short skirt, totally blocking every one's way, now sweating and fumbling hopelessly while bus boys and people rushed past me. Could only think one thing at this point.... "fuck my life".

I tend to make a jack ass of myself pretty often at work, sometimes it's when i find a customer attractive and turn into stuttering, bumbling waitress chick. I end up feeling super awkward and therefore looking super awkward and asking the same questions twice like "can I get you a dessert?" and "so not dessert for you then?" and then lingering just a bit too long at the table before mumbling some crap under my breath and awkwardly shuffling away.

Sometime it's just awkward in general and in the following incident I don't think I was the one to blame...
So I approach a couple at a table, I stand in front of them with my pad out and say, "Hi" Now waiting for a response and when i get none (after what feels like an eternity of silence) the guy finally says, "Are you saying hi because you're going to be our waitress?" Errr... Well yeah dum dum why the fuck else would i be standing here holding a pad like this? (Of course those are the words in my head) when what comes out is.. "That's the general idea", I say, in a somewhat sarcastic tone and he proceeds to give me his order. As I walk away he turns to his girlfriend and says, "That was weird".
A. I can still hear you! and B. Yeah no shit it was weird.. what the hell just happened????

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Porn King

So one of our regulars happens to be one of the biggest Porn Producers in Los Angeles, he is one of my least favorite customers for a number of reasons...

1. He creeps me out
2. He usually has an onslaught of creepy girls or should i say "actresses" with him, most of which are Eastern European and cant speak English.
3. He creeps me out
4. He places the most complicated overly fussy orders known to man
5. Did i mention HE CREEPS ME OUT?!

So here is an example of the insanity of this man. I'm still trying to figure out if its a power trip thing or if he is just insanely picky. I'm leaning towards the first...

So on our menu we have a Jerk Chicken Caesar salad. Its basically a Caesar with Jamaican Jerk sauce marinated chicken in it. Here is his order...

"I want the salad chopped and tossed with extra Parmesan,no croutons, i want the chicken on a separate plate with extra jerk sauce not touching the chicken, i want it on a different plate. I also want a side of onion rings with wasabi mayo but i want the mayo in a monkey dish and i want a separate dish of just wasabi powder".

For Christ's sake dude would u like me to bring you an apron and show you where the kitchen is so you can make it yourself?! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
The best part is watching him mixing it all together and basically ending up with the same bloody salad that was originally on the menu!
I mean look, LA is infamous for people substituting every single thing on the menu but this man takes it to a whole other level! At the end of the day its a diner and its fast paced, by the time I've taken this insane order I'm now backed up 5 tables with angry people waiting for me.
Thanks PornLord.

Nutrition knowledge..or rather lack of it..

Okay so I know that not all of us are blessed with knowledge of nutrition and health or even a brain for that matter but common sense is common sense people....

Firstly the Diner I work at isn't a Denny's or anything like that, it is very much geared towards the healthier LA lifestyle and so there are a lot of vegan and healthy options on our menu.

Today I served a family of three. The kid must have been no older than eight and the first thing they ordered were three oh yes three coffees, one for each of them . Now I don't know about you but I think kids are already overly hyper and out of control enough on their own without giving the little buggers caffine on top of it. I mean why oh why would you let your child drink coffee?! Thanks to your genius parenting this poor child is now going to be a coffee slave his whole life.
So i give them some time to look at the menu and it seems the woman knows what she wants and even though her husband clearly isn't ready she calls me over in my favorite derogatory way by signally to me across the room by clicking her fingers. I stroll over in my SLOWEST walk possible and get my pad out ready... She orders for herself and her now incredibly annoying cracked out kid and then crosses her arms and glares at her husband with an underlying tone that read something like.. "pick something now or i will cut your fucking head off". Clearly they'd been married a while.
So as the guy felt the eyes of his wife stabbing through his soul he looks up at me and says "what would be better for me to eat... the beef patty melt with fries or the house salad?" "Well", i said..trying not to come across as rude "that depends on what you mean by better for you to eat?" did he mean taste? health? what?... "Im trying to watch my girlish figure" he says with a "Im so funny and cute" look on his face. "Well, i say, in that case, I think Id go for the salad".
Dumb-ass! What the hell do you think? Its not that hard... A plate of leaves or a greasy cheese covered piece of cow in between 2 slices of bread with a side of deep fried potatoes? I don't know genius.. you wanna lose weight?.. Pick the fucking salad!

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for helping people and advising them when needed, i actually enjoy it but some people really do deserve to be unhealthy and fat the way they live. An example....At my next table there are three people in their early 20's, two of them are in decent shape and the other one is clearly obese. The first two order the tuna salad, green tea and a soup and the other one orders as follows; A bacon cheese-burger with fries, a side of blue cheese dressing and the mac and cheese with.... wait for it... A FUCKING DIET COKE! Now what i ask is the bloody point of that? I felt like offering him a side of treadmill with his meal, Jesus. It's like those people who order milkshakes without the whipped cream, like thats going to make all the difference to their calorie intake. "Yes Sir, i will make sure that the 1500 calorie drink you're about to consume does not have that sugary air foam on top of it". Are you serious?...

Monday, July 26, 2010

Sunday is doggie day

So Sundays are the days that I work the outside section at Diner X. This means I get to serve smokers and people with dogs. Now I love dogs I really do but LA takes owning a dog to a whole other level..

My first table is a couple and their little Maltese terrier, (who may I add is wearing a friggin' tiara by the way) the lady orders for her and her boyfriend and asks me for a small salad and a side of bean-sprouts...for her dog.
I couldn't help but ask... "wow she eats that? really?"
"oh yes" the lady replies, "Tiffany is gluten free and eats a raw vegan diet". RIGHT. OK. I'M SURE SHE IS... Need I say more?

The second table is another young couple who look like they've just rolled out of bed, skipped the shower and dragged their asses straight to the diner, with their very ugly, slobbering bulldog who's wearing a doggie t shirt that says "I love bitches" on it. Its a table for two they have and as they both smoke and blow it directly at me they ask for an extra chair, I assume they have a friend joining so I bring them a chair and an extra menu, "thanks but we don't need the menu, its actually for our dog". RIGHT. OK. here we go....
They weren't kidding, they ordered 3 of the same breakfasts; eggs, pancakes and bacon. Oh boy, this I have to see... So when the food arrives I go to check on the table and sure enough, the bulldog is sitting in the chair with a napkin tied around its neck and eating off the plate. Real hygienic people. I can only imagine what their dinner table at home looks like.

So I'm now surrounded by half the dogs in LA filling up most of my section, the other side is taken up with very moody, hungover teenagers all chain smoking in my face and drinking liquids like its the Sahara desert. One of my duties here is re-filling beverages and this truly drives me insane. Not only is it hot out here but I'm running my ass off grabbing empty glasses off table and running inside to re fill them... EVERY 10 SECONDS and literally sweating balls.
People have a really annoying habit of asking me to refill their water and coffee, which I do, I grab the glass go refill it, run back outside, bringing with me the coffee pot to refill their cups and as I've finished they say 'can I get some extra milk please" or "do you have any honey?" to which I force a very fake smile and say "sure no problem" and as I turn I mutter inaudibly under my breath "couldn't you have asked me that the first bloody time to save me going back and forth like a fucking yo-yo while 6 other table are waiting for my attention. Dammit!

Doggie day was about to come to an end as the lunch rush slowly died down, I walked over to serve an older couple who had two dogs laying next to their table. The first thing they asked me was for water for the dogs, as I brought them the water I asked "are they friendly?" "Oh yes very" says the woman and I offer the back of my hand to the dogs to smell, now I don't know if I smelt like bacon or a burger at that point, which quite frankly was highly possible but the German Shepard decided I was going to be his lunch and grabbed my hand and bit down while making the most frighteningly aggressive sounds I've ever heard. After that everything kinda went black, the shock of it and the fact that the entire outside section was hearing this commotion and all staring at me made me blank out for a second. Eventually the owner got the wretched beast off of me and said "oops, sorry, he's never done that before"... "Cool, I said, good to know!" and then I rushed inside to disinfect the small tooth hole marks in my swollen hand. I then got to spend the rest of my shift with my right hand wrapped in alcohol and bandages with people all telling me I was gonna get tetanus and die if I didn't get a vaccine. Today had already been a bad enough day that the last thing I was about to do was go to the doctor and have him stab me with a giant needle and then charge me $100 for it. "I'll live".

Do Germans ever smile?

Its Saturday and the morning starts with me opening the place at 6am.
It's 630 now, the coffee pots are boiling, ready for the caffeine junkies to pile in and the doors are now open. In walks (we'll call him) JACK, my first customer of the day and a serious regular, he has been coming in every morning without fail for at least 3 years.
Here's the thing about Jack.. he is homeless and lives on the streets, he has worn the same hole ridden sweater for God only knows how long and eats the exact same thing for breakfast day in and day out. His order is as follows; bagel with cream cheese, coffee and a bowl of oatmeal that he proceeds to cover in ketchup... mmm, yummy.

Here's what I know about Jack...he is an Aquarius, has never left the states, is in his 60's, has only a few teeth remaining in his mouth and therefore is not the easiest person to understand. The first time we met it took me at least 20 minutes to figure out his order and that in itself was super awkward as he does not like to repeat himself, the more he has to, the more frustrated he gets and the louder he shouts, so here's me 2 years ago being shouted at by a barely audible toothless homeless man who I'm desperately trying to comprehend. 2 years later, here I am entering his order into the computer without the need to ask, thank God.

So now the place is starting to fill up and I don't know why but it seemed every other person who walked in was German. Now Ive lived in many countries but in all my travels Ive managed to avoid Germany completely and now I remember why. I hate the bloody Germans. I mean OK, hate is rather a harsh word and I'm not wanting to generalize an entire country but from the experience Ive had with them its hard not to!
Firstly do they ever smile? All day long I served German tourists, not only do they not smile but they manage to avoid making eye contact completely as they are ordering, and then they leave without tipping, truly charming people. In fact the best ones today were these two German teenagers that came in with a plastic cup full of coins, order two hot chocolates to go and paid me the full $9.00 in change, counting out each nickel and dime at a glacial pace. So now I got to spend the rest of my shift with my change purse weighed down which in turn caused my apron to keep falling off. Thanks boys.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Who am i and what is this blog about anyway?

So...This is a blog about people, well....strangers....customers and the regulars who, at my job, I meet and serve on a daily basis.
Im a Brit, moved over here from London, among many others came to Hollywood to follow my dreams of becoming an actress. Two years later here I am... working in Hollywood......Hurrah!
Well, not quite..., here I am, yes, a waitress. Spending the majority of my days between serving at the diner and banging my head against the wall.
The one thing I have to say about this menial servant job is that I get to meet people from all walks of life. At the trendy diner I work at ,which will remain anonymous for now, I come across everyone from the picky celebs to the homeless guy who puts ketchup in his oatmeal. One thought goes through my mind each day, usually as I'm taking an order, and that thought is... "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

If you have ever served the *insert whiney Californian accent here* "Decaf, extra shot, non-fat, no foam latte" bitches or if you have encountered the many of them here in this bizarre city then perhaps my stories will amuse you. Each day I am stunned by the requests, attitudes and lifestyles of the people I encounter that I feel compelled to share these situations with those who are interested. Plus it's my own personal therapy and the only thing currently keeping me on the brink of sanity.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not some negative and bitter waitress bitching about my patrons..well I may seem that way to you, but that isn't the idea. LA is, or rather pretends to be, the land of "positive thinking" *cough* but I am here to thrash that and devote this blog to pure negativity and welcome all those who wish to vent. We can't all be saints, no matter how hard we may try to be!
That being said, the people I deal with only enhance my life experience and I am grateful for them to have given me such funny, bizarre and sad things to write about.
Thank you kindly. You fucking assholes.