Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Control Your Saliva People!

So far today, I have been spat on by three people; been poked in the eye, had maple syrup smeared on my face and granola in my boots.

Now, I realize that in life we cannot avoid certain things... saliva in the face is one of them. Now perhaps it is because I'm a germaphobe that the universe treats me like a magnet for such things. The law of attraction and all that hooha.

Let me explain...

9 am. I arrive at work and one of my fellow waiters is talking to me rather enthusiastically about his night out, he is so excited to tell me his story that he apparently loses all control over his mouth and spits directly onto my eyelid. Blarf. He actually notices he has done this and attempts to wipe it off, (yes it is still sitting there festering), as he sticks his fingers toward my face he accidentally pokes me in the eye making matters worse. He then turns a deep shade of crimson while apologizing and shuffles off.

11 am. I'm serving a customer at the counter, we are at eye level and as he is talking he spits directly into my eye. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
I am now completely freaked out and what I want to say is, "Excuse me, you just spit in my fucking eye man, gross"! However, being British, I was obviously taught to hide my emotions, so instead I pretend it didn't happen, as to avoid embarrassing the man. I'm now screaming internally and it feels like this glob of saliva is now burning like acid through my eye and within two seconds I have created mass paranoia that his germs are going through my eye and into my bloodstream. Total overreaction of course, and believe me, part of me knows that (the sane part of course) the OCD, Hypochondriac on my other side remains in total panic.

130 pm. I stand in front of the kitchen next to the food runner. First let me tell you a little something about our food runner.. Not only is he a 5 year old dressed in a 26 year old Mexican body but he is blatantly aware that I have issues with germs and have asked him on many occasions not to touch/grab my hand... or any other body part for that matter.
However, being the child that he is, he seems to gets a kick out of constantly pressing my buttons.... and other things for that matter. So there I am walking over to the kitchen and he wipes his mucky, sticky, maple syrup covered hand down the side of my cheek. MOTHERF***ER!!!!!!!!!!!!
The restaurant is in full swing so there is literally no opportunity for me to run to the loo and wash it off so Im now forced to endure this sticky yucky shit on my face for the next twenty minutes.

3 pm I'm on my way across the restaurant with a bowl of granola and I trip on the stupid slip mat. slip.mat.- a pointless waste of space that is constantly causing more damage than any good. The granola goes flying everywhere, including all down the inside of my thigh high boots, which may I add, I never wear! Until today of course.

4 pm The shift is finally over, thank the Lord. I'm literally heading out the door and a regular walks in asking when I'm next working, I tell him "On the weekend", and he says, "Cool, see you then." As he does so, saliva comes flying out of his mouth and hits my directly on the forehead.


Seriously people... Control your saliva!