Monday, September 20, 2010

Brunch with a side of sweat blood and tears

Between the jukebox's heavy metal music like nails in my head, the screeching children, the 90 yr old deaf woman screaming at me, the angry chef, the hormonal waitresses and everything else that went on today all I want to say is this....

"Good Morning... May I offer you some of my blood with that burger?!"...

Its quite amazing how many ridiculous things can be happening simultaneously and all in the space of an hour. Today was one of those days when everyone who walked through the door must have either gotten out on the wrong side of bed this morning or done way too many drugs last night. Or both.
I arrived at work at 9 am after a good night's sleep and actually feeling rather chirpy for a Sunday morning... however, two hours later, after an onslaught of restaurant rape I stood still in disbelief and took a look around at my section, here is what I observed at that particular moment......

Table 1: "Funny Guy" - This is the man who feels the need to turn absolutely everything into a joke, and not good ones. I spend an extra 10 minutes on this guy's order as I have to decipher what he wants from what he's making jokes about. I thought I'd give some back to him when he asked me if our Jalapenos were fresh.. I said "No sir, they are full of mold but really quite tasty." Luckily he found this amusing but then decided to take this joke way too far and went off on a whole rant about moldy Jalapenos for the next 6 minutes. All I could think was, "Oh Jesus, why didn't I keep my stupid mouth shut!" Anyway after wasting ten minutes of my life talking about Jalapenos I finally managed to walk away only to be called over again by him several minutes later with this comment.. "Can I have a napkin, I think I ate mine." Wow. Don't quit your day job.

Table 2: "Aloof Guy" - I have to wonder why this guy even goes to a restaurant.. He comes in regularly, sits at a table, doesn't make eye contact, mumbles if and when he talks and really doesn't want to be bothered by the servers. WHY THE F**K ARE YOU HERE THEN?????
I go to greet him and take his order and he totally ignores me, I stand there like a moron for a few more seconds eagerly waiting a response until I cant take it anymore and I simply huff and walk away. WANKER. After making him now wait ten minutes I reluctantly wander back to his table and ask him if he'd like tea or coffee at which he finally looks up at me. The expression on his face reads utter horror and panic and almost shouting he says "I er, I err, don't know yet!" Dude relax, Im offering you a caffeinated beverage not threatening your life.

Table 3: "Get a room Couple" - Im not one to knock physical contact or a public display of affection from time to time but Holy Mother of God these two people took PDA to a whole new level. Not only did they have their tongues wrapped around each others tonsils for a solid 20 minutes but the girl had no bra on and the most see through shirt I've ever seen. Just a tad inappropriate for a Sunday morning with a diner full of children, not to mention anyone with eyes.
I waited as long as I could before having to "interrupt" them and went over to take their order, their faces still lip locked I stood there and coughed to get their attention but still nothing, so now I feel like some kind of pervert standing there in an awkward threesome. Thanks guys. Real cool. FOR GOD SAKE GET A ROOM!

Table 4: "Stressed out parents" - The couple at this table are clearly not having a good morning, the woman's eye balls are virtually popping out of her head as she manically tries to settle her kids down into their respective high chairs, her husband seems to be paying no attention and hides behind his menu (cant really blame the poor bastard). Then, when all are calm and seated she summons me over and orders a triple shot latte... "are you sure thats a good idea Maam, you already seem to be jacked up on speed as it is." Of course I don't say this out loud for fear she may hit me.
After taking their drink order I go back to the computer and see her doing something I have witnessed many parents doing that drives me mad..... She gives the sugar bowl to her devil child as if its lego blocks. "Here, play with this."
Look its not my fault you choose to take your kids out in public to eat and cant be bothered to amuse them or actually talk to them. What you probably don't realizes is that I... yes I, am going to have to pick up the mess you are about to make and have already spent my morning carefully organizing those damn sugar bowls which your child has now thrown all over the table. Yes muggins here will be re-organising that bloody thing once again now. Thanking you kindly for that!

Table 5: "Crazy Homeless Guy"- Directly behind me is a homeless guy who comes in with a giant plastic bag of crap, sits down, holds his menu upside down while rambling to himself about God knows what. He orders a coffee from me and then mutters some inaudible nonsense under his breath. As I return with his drink he pulls out a donut covered in peanut butter from his bag and starts munching on it. He takes breaks to continue reading the menu (or at least pretending to) and I assume he's not going to order anything else so I don't go back. After about 15 minutes he shouts at me "Hey! I haven't eaten all day can I order?" At which point Im thinking... er didn't you just eat a bagel? But I say "Of course, Im sorry, what can I get for you"? To which he responds "I have to get going or I'll be late for my meeting." Ok crazy man whatever you say.

So thats just a sneak look at the world around me in that brief moment in time. All in a day's work... Actually all in just an hour's work.