Monday, July 26, 2010

Sunday is doggie day

So Sundays are the days that I work the outside section at Diner X. This means I get to serve smokers and people with dogs. Now I love dogs I really do but LA takes owning a dog to a whole other level..

My first table is a couple and their little Maltese terrier, (who may I add is wearing a friggin' tiara by the way) the lady orders for her and her boyfriend and asks me for a small salad and a side of bean-sprouts...for her dog.
I couldn't help but ask... "wow she eats that? really?"
"oh yes" the lady replies, "Tiffany is gluten free and eats a raw vegan diet". RIGHT. OK. I'M SURE SHE IS... Need I say more?

The second table is another young couple who look like they've just rolled out of bed, skipped the shower and dragged their asses straight to the diner, with their very ugly, slobbering bulldog who's wearing a doggie t shirt that says "I love bitches" on it. Its a table for two they have and as they both smoke and blow it directly at me they ask for an extra chair, I assume they have a friend joining so I bring them a chair and an extra menu, "thanks but we don't need the menu, its actually for our dog". RIGHT. OK. here we go....
They weren't kidding, they ordered 3 of the same breakfasts; eggs, pancakes and bacon. Oh boy, this I have to see... So when the food arrives I go to check on the table and sure enough, the bulldog is sitting in the chair with a napkin tied around its neck and eating off the plate. Real hygienic people. I can only imagine what their dinner table at home looks like.

So I'm now surrounded by half the dogs in LA filling up most of my section, the other side is taken up with very moody, hungover teenagers all chain smoking in my face and drinking liquids like its the Sahara desert. One of my duties here is re-filling beverages and this truly drives me insane. Not only is it hot out here but I'm running my ass off grabbing empty glasses off table and running inside to re fill them... EVERY 10 SECONDS and literally sweating balls.
People have a really annoying habit of asking me to refill their water and coffee, which I do, I grab the glass go refill it, run back outside, bringing with me the coffee pot to refill their cups and as I've finished they say 'can I get some extra milk please" or "do you have any honey?" to which I force a very fake smile and say "sure no problem" and as I turn I mutter inaudibly under my breath "couldn't you have asked me that the first bloody time to save me going back and forth like a fucking yo-yo while 6 other table are waiting for my attention. Dammit!

Doggie day was about to come to an end as the lunch rush slowly died down, I walked over to serve an older couple who had two dogs laying next to their table. The first thing they asked me was for water for the dogs, as I brought them the water I asked "are they friendly?" "Oh yes very" says the woman and I offer the back of my hand to the dogs to smell, now I don't know if I smelt like bacon or a burger at that point, which quite frankly was highly possible but the German Shepard decided I was going to be his lunch and grabbed my hand and bit down while making the most frighteningly aggressive sounds I've ever heard. After that everything kinda went black, the shock of it and the fact that the entire outside section was hearing this commotion and all staring at me made me blank out for a second. Eventually the owner got the wretched beast off of me and said "oops, sorry, he's never done that before"... "Cool, I said, good to know!" and then I rushed inside to disinfect the small tooth hole marks in my swollen hand. I then got to spend the rest of my shift with my right hand wrapped in alcohol and bandages with people all telling me I was gonna get tetanus and die if I didn't get a vaccine. Today had already been a bad enough day that the last thing I was about to do was go to the doctor and have him stab me with a giant needle and then charge me $100 for it. "I'll live".

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