Tuesday, November 5, 2013

She's BACK!

So this is awkward...
Feels a bit like calling an old friend, you know? The one you disappeared on years ago with and are now asking a favour of with your tail between your legs.
Having been MIA for the past two years it would be a miracle if any of you were still listening, however, I do hope that you are! I've missed talking with you and sharing my tales of woe.

As it's been a while since you heard from that cranky, disgruntled waitress... Aka me, there is a lot of drama to catch up on, and as you probably don't fancy reading an essay, I think the best thing to do is give you some bullet points, (in parts over the next few posts), of the past two years in a sort of montage..
**Cue Team America soundtrack**

  • After three years of the daily grind at Diner X I ended up in the emergency room one morning, unable to turn my head. Yes that's right, my body had officially decided no more waitressing for me and so began a chronic neck problem. Oh joy. 
  • I lost my job due to going from "Hot waitress, wearing fish nets and thigh high boots" to crippled waitress wearing hideous neck collar.
  • After spending months unemployed and in gruelling Chiropractic treatment,  I landed in Spain on my Mother's doorstep ready for her to pick up the pieces and help me plan the rest of my life. (That is what mums are for isn't it)?
The following day, after an afternoon of slobbing out on my Mother's couch; feeling sorry for myself, skin broken out with spots, frizzy hair from travelling,  gaunt face from stress, Mum dragged me out to dinner with her friends. Little did I know, the hot, charming son of one of those friends would be there. Hence why I never bothered trying to look better and showed up in no make up and a shit outfit choice.

 I arrive at dinner and OMG! The most gorgeous man Id ever laid eyes on is there. Not only is he a handsome Brit with Turquoise colour eyes, but he is funny, charming and a Captain in the British army. Major SWOON.  I manically grab Mum's handbag, praying there is some kind of make up in there, rush to the bathroom and desperately try to do something with my appearance.
Now, as cliche as this sounds, it was love at first sight :) :)
I was trying, (and think I succeeded) to win him over with my personality that night, in order to make up for my face (which was now sporting Mum's bright pink lipliner and green eyeliner!) and he and I spent the entire leaving laughing our socks off and bonding over dinner. Left our parents to their meal and headed to the bars. By 2am we were absolutely hammered and falling into bed together. Total slut I know. But there were four factors in play here ok?!
  • 1. Tequila. 
  • 2. Hot soldier boy. 
  • 3. Extreme sexual frustration caused by months of loneliness.
  •  4. More Tequila.
I wake up the next morning and remember nothing of the previous night. Total blackout. Followed by instant regret and nausea as I peer over to see this gorgeous man sleeping in my bed, knowing he is going to have zero respect for the slut who slept with him on the night they met. All I could think was "You idiot!" Tequila has a lot to answer for.
I then remember I am in my Mother's house and he now has to get up and get out before she sees this situation. I wake him up and assure him this is totally out of character and he is to tell my Mum he slept fully clothed in my bath tub. Good plan, I thought, as about only two of my brain cells appeared to be working at that moment. So, he gets dressed and does in fact assure my Mother that he was a complete gentlemen and he scurries off home.

Now even though the rules say, "Never sleep with a man on the first date." In this particular instance it worked out in my favour as for the weeks to follow he literally couldn't keep his hands off me.
That night was the beginning of a whirlwind romance. We were inseparable after that, I  postponed my ticket back to LA to stay in Spain with him while he was on leave from the Army. He had to go back to London after a few weeks and asked me to come with him, so I did, and we spend another amazing loved up few weeks there together as he prepared to go back for 6 months in Afghanistan.

  • After a total of eight glorious weeks together, he announced that he was in love with me (well that happened after week 4 actually) and as I felt the same, I assured him I would wait for the 6 months to be over while he was in the war zone but he said it couldn't happen and would be too hard being so far apart, so as hard as it was, this was to be the end of this romance.  
  • The airport was hell. A long tearful goodbye, like something out of a movie, followed by me drowning myself in copious amounts of vodka on the plane back to Los Angeles. The flight attendant was my new guardian angel who, after seeing me going through a million tissues, began automatically re-filling my glass with booze without me having to even ask. Good lad. 
Now back in LA, still jobless and now heart-aching. I didn't know what to do with myself. A mere 48 hours later I get an email from Soldier boy telling me he can't end this. We both love each other and will make it work. So over the next few weeks we exchange daily soppy emails and skype calls. 

Madly in love and still jobless, I decided to say good bye to LA and move back to my hometown. Not just for the soldier boy (although he helped) but due to utter frustration with how my life had panned out.
Look, I moved to Hollywood, like so many other young actors, with dreams of walking the red carpet. However, at this rate, being almost 30 years old with a chronic neck injury and officially unemployed, I realised it was more likely I would be cleaning the bloody red carpet than walking down it anytime soon! So, I made a choice. I decided enough was enough. I wanted to move back to London and start a new life for myself.
So, with everything packed, shipped and sold I was sitting in my apartment with nothing but my dog by my side waiting to embark on my new life. I had to wait an extra two weeks for the pet papers to travel so I had to spend my 30th birthday (which was in a few days), alone. Where were my friends you may wonder? Yes, where the f**k where they? I wondered too. Another reason to leave La La land...

So, there I am a few days before the big 30. Weeks gone by of reading and writing gushing emails back and forth from my man in England, who was now awaiting my arrival so we could spend the summer together before he left for Afghanistan, when suddenly I get an email....
"Im sorry but I've decided it's going to be too hard to do my job and have a relationship at the same time. I must put my boys first".. blah blah blah.
Now, at this moment a few things/feelings crossed my mind...kind of in this order.
1. RU Serious?
2. NICE timing. One week before I finally get to see you AND a few days before my birthday.
3. Via email?!
4. Pussy.
5. Bastard.
6. Utter Heartbreak.
7. Devastation.
8. Anger.
9. Forgiveness.. Ok, so, I have no idea what being the Captain of an army about to head to Afghanistan is like. Maybe he was right, maybe this is for the best. I can't blame him.

So, that was the end of that.
I was officially single again; about to turn 30, unemployed, heartbroken and about to move back to the country I left 12 years ago. There was only one thing for it...

Girls night out.

Watch this space to find out what happened next.....

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