Brunch with a side of sweat blood and tears

Between the jukebox's heavy metal music like nails in my head, the screeching children, the 90 yr old deaf woman screaming at me, the angry chef, the hormonal waitresses and everything else that went on today all I want to say is this....

"Good Morning... May I offer you some of my blood with that burger?!"...

Its quite amazing how many ridiculous things can be happening simultaneously and all in the space of an hour. Today was one of those days when everyone who walked through the door must have either gotten out on the wrong side of bed this morning or done way too many drugs last night. Or both.
I arrived at work at 9 am after a good night's sleep and actually feeling rather chirpy for a Sunday morning... however, two hours later, after an onslaught of restaurant rape I stood still in disbelief and took a look around at my section, here is what I observed at that particular moment......

Table 1: "Funny Guy" - This is the man who feels the need to turn absolutely everything into a joke, and not good ones. I spend an extra 10 minutes on this guy's order as I have to decipher what he wants from what he's making jokes about. I thought I'd give some back to him when he asked me if our Jalapenos were fresh.. I said "No sir, they are full of mold but really quite tasty." Luckily he found this amusing but then decided to take this joke way too far and went off on a whole rant about moldy Jalapenos for the next 6 minutes. All I could think was, "Oh Jesus, why didn't I keep my stupid mouth shut!" Anyway after wasting ten minutes of my life talking about Jalapenos I finally managed to walk away only to be called over again by him several minutes later with this comment.. "Can I have a napkin, I think I ate mine." Wow. Don't quit your day job.

Table 2: "Aloof Guy" - I have to wonder why this guy even goes to a restaurant.. He comes in regularly, sits at a table, doesn't make eye contact, mumbles if and when he talks and really doesn't want to be bothered by the servers. WHY THE F**K ARE YOU HERE THEN?????
I go to greet him and take his order and he totally ignores me, I stand there like a moron for a few more seconds eagerly waiting a response until I cant take it anymore and I simply huff and walk away. WANKER. After making him now wait ten minutes I reluctantly wander back to his table and ask him if he'd like tea or coffee at which he finally looks up at me. The expression on his face reads utter horror and panic and almost shouting he says "I er, I err, don't know yet!" Dude relax, Im offering you a caffeinated beverage not threatening your life.

Table 3: "Get a room Couple" - Im not one to knock physical contact or a public display of affection from time to time but Holy Mother of God these two people took PDA to a whole new level. Not only did they have their tongues wrapped around each others tonsils for a solid 20 minutes but the girl had no bra on and the most see through shirt I've ever seen. Just a tad inappropriate for a Sunday morning with a diner full of children, not to mention anyone with eyes.
I waited as long as I could before having to "interrupt" them and went over to take their order, their faces still lip locked I stood there and coughed to get their attention but still nothing, so now I feel like some kind of pervert standing there in an awkward threesome. Thanks guys. Real cool. FOR GOD SAKE GET A ROOM!

Table 4: "Stressed out parents" - The couple at this table are clearly not having a good morning, the woman's eye balls are virtually popping out of her head as she manically tries to settle her kids down into their respective high chairs, her husband seems to be paying no attention and hides behind his menu (cant really blame the poor bastard). Then, when all are calm and seated she summons me over and orders a triple shot latte... "are you sure thats a good idea Maam, you already seem to be jacked up on speed as it is." Of course I don't say this out loud for fear she may hit me.
After taking their drink order I go back to the computer and see her doing something I have witnessed many parents doing that drives me mad..... She gives the sugar bowl to her devil child as if its lego blocks. "Here, play with this."
Look its not my fault you choose to take your kids out in public to eat and cant be bothered to amuse them or actually talk to them. What you probably don't realizes is that I... yes I, am going to have to pick up the mess you are about to make and have already spent my morning carefully organizing those damn sugar bowls which your child has now thrown all over the table. Yes muggins here will be re-organising that bloody thing once again now. Thanking you kindly for that!


Table 5: "Crazy Homeless Guy"- Directly behind me is a homeless guy who comes in with a giant plastic bag of crap, sits down, holds his menu upside down while rambling to himself about God knows what. He orders a coffee from me and then mutters some inaudible nonsense under his breath. As I return with his drink he pulls out a donut covered in peanut butter from his bag and starts munching on it. He takes breaks to continue reading the menu (or at least pretending to) and I assume he's not going to order anything else so I don't go back. After about 15 minutes he shouts at me "Hey! I haven't eaten all day can I order?" At which point Im thinking... er didn't you just eat a bagel? But I say "Of course, Im sorry, what can I get for you"? To which he responds "I have to get going or I'll be late for my meeting." Ok crazy man whatever you say.


So thats just a sneak look at the world around me in that brief moment in time. All in a day's work... Actually all in just an hour's work.

LATE NIGHTS AT HELL'S KITCHEN

So luckily for me I have served enough time at my job that I no longer have to work the late night shifts anymore. However, I suffered that torture for a good six months and every so often these days..(if Im literally so broke I cant eat) I will pick up a late night shift. Now I know I've said before that this diner tends to attract the odd balls and several crazies but nothing compares to what we see past midnight...This is when it truly becomes...Hell's Kitchen.

Because Diner X is open to the wee small hours of the morning, it attracts many drunk people who show up after their night of clubbing for a greasy burger before returning home and passing out. These people can truly be so much fun! (that is, if you happen to be partying with them) If however, you happen to be a cranky, sober, exhausted waitress having to deal with them... then oh boy... God help you.

One example of drunken messes is this one... I had a group of 20 somethings come in and sit down at my biggest table, they came in a few at a time and didn't want to wait for their friends to arrive so proceeded to give their orders one by one (drunk people have no patience and need food immediately, which, OK I can relate to) they all are shouting over each other "I wanna pancake", "I need more water", "where's the mustard?" AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, one at a time please! I'm not fucking wonder woman!

On average I tend go to bed around 11 pm so when I have to stay up working until 4 am my brain just FREAKS OUT and tends not to be so good at multi tasking. Or handling anything at all really.
One thing that happens when you are drunk is you literally inhale your food. I put down a plate, go check on another table and turn around to find that person following me around the restaurant slurring for his check. "Dude, I JUST put your food down, what in the hell?!" So this giant table of screaming lunatics now all want to leave separately and pay separately, not so fun trying to split a 15 person check while serving about 20 other tables and running food all at the same time. Anyway, I go to the register to start splitting checks and I see out the corner of my eye one of the customers on that table throwing all the sugars on the floor and pouring ketchup ALL OVER THE TABLE while saying "You wanna tip, here's your fucking tip". He then proceeds to pick up a salt shaker and throws it at me, hitting me in the elbow. Now grouchy, cranky, sleepy waitress doesn't like this... All I see at that point in red. RED. I don't remember having any thoughts of trying to save my job, I think I thought it was worth risking just to give this little prick a piece of my mind. I fly across the restaurant ready to give this fool what he deserved and what happens?... I slip on on of the sugar packets and fall to my knees. Once I land on the floor I lose all sense of empowerment and will to tell this guy anything, I'm now at breaking point and all I can think is "God, kill me now, just let this floor open up and let me fall through it." So now, I'm fighting back the tears, (Look, I'm not a total pussy but combine lack of sleep, stress, abusive customers and now sore knees and you what do you get?... tears, simple). So I pick myself up and pretend I'm fine to the few people who actually bother to ask and I run to the toilet. It's in there that I now burst into total hysterics, totally uncalled for but I am a woman after all, and can only handle so much at 3 am. By the time I've wiped my tears and calmed down I return to the table and hand them their checks, saying nothing, just giving the prick a look of disgust. This probably worked out better then me flying off the handle as his friends felt so bad they dragged him out themselves and left me a big tip as an apology. Well by that point I've lost all will to live but hey I have an extra $40 in my pocket so I guess that's something right?.....

Children... Or as i like to call them.. Arseholes in the making

Either kids now days are reading US Weekly and over dosing on Entertainment Tonight at far too young an age or I have to blame the parents....

I took an order from an 8 year old that went something like this...
"I wanna burger; medium rare with no bun, extra lettuce and a side of steamed broccoli and I want parmesan on the side. Not the powdery one, the shaved one." As my jaw drops to the floor I only have on thought....Scary. Really scary.

This got me thinking about how times have changed since I was a kid. When I was 8 and my parents took me to a restaurant Id pretty much eat what I was given or if anything Id ask for cheese on toast, there's no way Id think to order something medium rare, that's crazy! This then got me comparing England to California.... You just cannot go into a restaurant in London and change the whole menu like you can here. Try it.. Ask a British waiter if you can have your salad chopped, tossed, dressing on side and substitute the romaine for spinach. He will most likely tell you to Piss Off and laugh in your face.

One thing I've discovered about myself is that I really have no idea how to communicate with children. I know that some kids grow up fast but they are still children and need to be spoken to as such. This is when I become socially inept... I literally talk to them as if they are adults.

Example...One child of about 6 years old says, "I wanna burger" to which I stupidly respond, "How would you like that cooked?" To which I get zero response, and his parents look at me as if I'm insane.
Being British I have a filthy mouth on me (as if you hadn't noticed) and I often forget to censor myself around children. I've noticed parents scowl at me like I'm the Anti Christ when I've been loudly talking to one of my co workers about some "Fucking Bitch" at table 107. Oops, sorry.

I really do feel like a total outsider at work when it comes to kids. l feel like all the other waitresses are in on a secret I know nothing about. Whenever a baby or toddler comes in they seem to coo over them in a ridiculous fashion..."Awww look how cute he is." and "Oh my God did you see that baby? Soooo adorable." Am I missing something? Because all I see is a screaming, crying little bastard that's probably keeping it's parents up all night and ruining their sex life.
Of course this makes me feel like a total Arsehole so I find myself lying to fit in.. "Oh yeah...he's so sweet, can't wait to have one myself one day." NAAAHT!

Waitressing + Germaphobe = NIGHTMARE

Last night I served a male couple, as they sat down they asked me to wipe off the table (which was clean FYI) so I grab a cloth and wipe it down. As I walk away I see each of them take out a small bottle of hand sanitizer and pour it on the table and over the silverware, then dry it up with napkins. They catch my eye and see I've been watching and say, "Sorry we're OCD". Now, I'm not judging, I can actually relate to this but what was funny is that when the drinks arrived they didn't use their straws, they put their lips around the glasses... Well folks, Im pretty sure the table was cleaner than those glasses are! I mean I certainly wouldn't drink from them. Busy diner, quick turnaround and only one little man in the back washing dishes... you do the math! So Im sorry boys, you're clearly not as OCD as you think.....

This brings me to the point of my story today... I haven't previously mentioned this but I have major OCD. Im a serious Germaphobe and working in a diner makes this a real nightmare. Not only do I have to wash my hands a thousand times a day but I cannot stop sanitizing the computer screens and all my pens several times during a shift. I usually keep this to myself as one time my boss caught me "cloroxing" the telephone and never let me live it down.

So, remember when the swine flu hit the city? Imagine my reaction to that. Panic, panic, panic. Anytime someone coughed or sneezed at a table I was convinced they had swine flu and I was going to die. I had this one man come in and sit in my section, he was sneezing and coughing like mad and ordered a hot water with honey so I knew it was NOT allergies. I tried to take his order as far away from the table without looking to weird, all the while pretty much holding my breath. He then proceeded to ask me if he could borrow a pen for a minute. "Oh God. Why my bloody pen?" i thought. So I begrudgedly hand it over to him and say, "Just keep it, I have a tons of them", (total lie, in fact I was short on pens that day but there was no f'ing way I was gonna put that thing back in my pocket).

Firstly I think its only common decency to stay the f**k at home, preferably incubated if you're sick. Don't bring your germy ass into a public place so all the patrons and staff can catch it too, you selfish bastards. Secondly why is it that people still try and shake your hand? I mean it just doesn't seem necessary to me in this day and age and meeting hundreds of people on a daily basis means Im obliged to shake a few hands.WHY??????!!!

Awkward Bumbling Waitress

So now that i have insulted quite a few people I think its only fair to turn the tables on myself for this particular post. I have had several embarrassing/humiliating things happen to me while working. Here are just a few of my not so glorious moments....

1. Dropping money all over the floor and having to scrabble around on my hands and knees picking up dollar notes like a cheap stripper, while may I add, wearing the most revealing short skirt known to man, (not my personal choice,..uniform requirement) go figure!

2. Slipping on butter and flying across the floor where I landed smack on my face, ass in the air, skirt over my head. Best part of this catastrophe was that, (according to my boss) the 2 people i landed next to stopped eating, watched me fall and then carried on eating without even so much of a flinch or attempt to help! Seriously?

3. When clearing a table I dropped a pancake dripping in syrup on the floor and was trying to pick it up with a fork but pieces kept falling off, all the while I'm bent over in short skirt, totally blocking every one's way, now sweating and fumbling hopelessly while bus boys and people rushed past me. Could only think one thing at this point.... "fuck my life".

I tend to make a jack ass of myself pretty often at work, sometimes it's when i find a customer attractive and turn into stuttering, bumbling waitress chick. I end up feeling super awkward and therefore looking super awkward and asking the same questions twice like "can I get you a dessert?" and "so not dessert for you then?" and then lingering just a bit too long at the table before mumbling some crap under my breath and awkwardly shuffling away.

Sometime it's just awkward in general and in the following incident I don't think I was the one to blame...
So I approach a couple at a table, I stand in front of them with my pad out and say, "Hi" Now waiting for a response and when i get none (after what feels like an eternity of silence) the guy finally says, "Are you saying hi because you're going to be our waitress?" Errr... Well yeah dum dum why the fuck else would i be standing here holding a pad like this? (Of course those are the words in my head) when what comes out is.. "That's the general idea", I say, in a somewhat sarcastic tone and he proceeds to give me his order. As I walk away he turns to his girlfriend and says, "That was weird".
A. I can still hear you! and B. Yeah no shit it was weird.. what the hell just happened????

The Porn King

So one of our regulars happens to be one of the biggest Porn Producers in Los Angeles, he is one of my least favorite customers for a number of reasons...

1. He creeps me out
2. He usually has an onslaught of creepy girls or should i say "actresses" with him, most of which are Eastern European and cant speak English.
3. He creeps me out
4. He places the most complicated overly fussy orders known to man
5. Did i mention HE CREEPS ME OUT?!

So here is an example of the insanity of this man. I'm still trying to figure out if its a power trip thing or if he is just insanely picky. I'm leaning towards the first...

So on our menu we have a Jerk Chicken Caesar salad. Its basically a Caesar with Jamaican Jerk sauce marinated chicken in it. Here is his order...

"I want the salad chopped and tossed with extra Parmesan,no croutons, i want the chicken on a separate plate with extra jerk sauce not touching the chicken, i want it on a different plate. I also want a side of onion rings with wasabi mayo but i want the mayo in a monkey dish and i want a separate dish of just wasabi powder".

For Christ's sake dude would u like me to bring you an apron and show you where the kitchen is so you can make it yourself?! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
The best part is watching him mixing it all together and basically ending up with the same bloody salad that was originally on the menu!
I mean look, LA is infamous for people substituting every single thing on the menu but this man takes it to a whole other level! At the end of the day its a diner and its fast paced, by the time I've taken this insane order I'm now backed up 5 tables with angry people waiting for me.
Thanks PornLord.

Nutrition knowledge..or rather lack of it..

Okay so I know that not all of us are blessed with knowledge of nutrition and health or even a brain for that matter but common sense is common sense people....

Firstly the Diner I work at isn't a Denny's or anything like that, it is very much geared towards the healthier LA lifestyle and so there are a lot of vegan and healthy options on our menu.

Today I served a family of three. The kid must have been no older than eight and the first thing they ordered were three oh yes three coffees, one for each of them . Now I don't know about you but I think kids are already overly hyper and out of control enough on their own without giving the little buggers caffine on top of it. I mean why oh why would you let your child drink coffee?! Thanks to your genius parenting this poor child is now going to be a coffee slave his whole life.
So i give them some time to look at the menu and it seems the woman knows what she wants and even though her husband clearly isn't ready she calls me over in my favorite derogatory way by signally to me across the room by clicking her fingers. I stroll over in my SLOWEST walk possible and get my pad out ready... She orders for herself and her now incredibly annoying cracked out kid and then crosses her arms and glares at her husband with an underlying tone that read something like.. "pick something now or i will cut your fucking head off". Clearly they'd been married a while.
So as the guy felt the eyes of his wife stabbing through his soul he looks up at me and says "what would be better for me to eat... the beef patty melt with fries or the house salad?" "Well", i said..trying not to come across as rude "that depends on what you mean by better for you to eat?" did he mean taste? health? what?... "Im trying to watch my girlish figure" he says with a "Im so funny and cute" look on his face. "Well, i say, in that case, I think Id go for the salad".
Dumb-ass! What the hell do you think? Its not that hard... A plate of leaves or a greasy cheese covered piece of cow in between 2 slices of bread with a side of deep fried potatoes? I don't know genius.. you wanna lose weight?.. Pick the fucking salad!

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for helping people and advising them when needed, i actually enjoy it but some people really do deserve to be unhealthy and fat the way they live. An example....At my next table there are three people in their early 20's, two of them are in decent shape and the other one is clearly obese. The first two order the tuna salad, green tea and a soup and the other one orders as follows; A bacon cheese-burger with fries, a side of blue cheese dressing and the mac and cheese with.... wait for it... A FUCKING DIET COKE! Now what i ask is the bloody point of that? I felt like offering him a side of treadmill with his meal, Jesus. It's like those people who order milkshakes without the whipped cream, like thats going to make all the difference to their calorie intake. "Yes Sir, i will make sure that the 1500 calorie drink you're about to consume does not have that sugary air foam on top of it". Are you serious?...